It's been a busy month. Gawd, I can't belive i haven't been keeping up on my journal lately.

Today was a scary day tho...i passed out at the front desk in front of everyone!!

my face went completely white and my whole body went weak. then my hands started cramping up and went numb and then my fingers went ice cold and i couldn't move my arms. my eyes got all glazed over and i couldn't respond to anyone

thank god someone at the salon knows exactally what was happening because she's been hospitalized by it. apparently it's all caused by hyperventilating so bad that my body went nuts

my doctor is doing tests to be sure but it's low iron and that's why my hands went cold. not enough blood flow...it's my time of the month so the whole thing is increased by well...it

so i wasn't aloud to go back to work and i gotta stay home relax and drink lots of fluids. i do need to go into work tomorrow tho because it's grad day and they need me but after i'm going for my tests if the clinic is open and then i might be sent home depending on how i feel after them taking even more blood from me LOL

It was pretty scary. i felt all the blood leave my face before i passed out and the whole feeling of having no feeling in your hands..not so much fun. I couldn't breath, see, think or feel anything...except fear. that's why my body was hyperventalating...just without the heavy breathing because there wasn't enough iron in my body to actually do it

i can't even makes fists when the doctor asked me to because i was so tensed up that it triggered my tendonitis and my hands are swollen heh

Hopefully i'll feel better soon :(

well, it seems like things are starting to calm down here at home. Jason has moved out and I can clean my house and slowly get it back to the way it was. gawd, it's nice to have a clean house and not have my place smell like old beer and mold. hehe

After I get all this done things will feel a little more back to normal. As for the dating scene I think it'll be a while before I can trust anyone whith my heart. I wish it wasn't like this because i've got a guy who likes me right now and I just can't give him what he wants. He's willing to wait but i think it'll be a long wait cuz I just feel like i need some me time. I need to get comfortable again with just being with me.

My animals are starting to calm down as well now too. My cats are coming out from under the bed and getting all cuddly with me again and maxie seems to not hide all the time thinking i'm constantly mad at him. He was so skidish for a long time there so i need to baby him for a while. I got him lots of toys and treats and he's getting lots of hugs and kisses and praise. He's not peeing when he gets scared too which is a good thing now too. I think he was just a little stressed with having Jason around and his dog always wanting to jump on him and play with him. She didn't quite get that she can't play with max like that cuz he's a lot smaller than she is hehehe I'm gonna miss that dog even if she was a little too hyper and out of control.

I think today i'm gonna work out for a bit and maybe just relax and watch a movie. The canucks won the series againt Dallas last night. 4-1 for Vancouver baby!! :D Now, if the canucks would only play that hard every game then we'd win the cup for sure! I swear the past couple games before that we weren't even trying. It was af if they didn't even care if they won or lost...but they proved themselves to me in last nights game...so bring on the ducks!! :D GO CANUCKS GO!!!

30% of all profits go to support the Iraq millitary.
There are so many signs that people miss that show they are part of it
Here are some of the Illuminati Signs shown right in Starbucks!!

well, tonight was definitely what i would call an exciting night. Work was super busy and i didn't even get a lunch break which was alright cuz i made some awesome cash today! :D

After, I went down to the golden spike to watch the canucks game. none of my hockey friends could make it and the rest of them didn't wanna go cuz they thought it would be too boring for them so I ended up going by myself (since I have no cable and bars are more fun anyways). I sat with a bunch of random guys cuz it was already so packed when I got in there. They were so much fun. I love hockey fans cuz they totally get into it at pubs hehe they were buying me beers and the pub hands out pucks with a players name on it. Well, their player on the puck scored a goal so they won free shots and they got me one as well wince i was at their table with them. The canucks won and i got free alcohol...doesn't get much better than that :D We won 2-1 in overtime.

On the way home belinda called me to tell me that crystal went into labor at 6am this morning. Crystal's parents are gonna call her as soon as they hear the news and belinda is gonna tell them to call me too. I'm so excited!! I'm gonna be an auntie again! :D I'm so happy for her and Chris. They are gonna make awesome parents :D

gawd, i don't know whta's wrong with me. Lately i've just felt so emotionally unstable. I hang out with my friends as often as I can. I smile even when i'm sad and yet when i'm alone i can't help but cry. I don't even know why i'm crying anymore. I came on here to write a poem. That usually helps me get out what i'm feeling and relax a little. I don't do it for anyone but me...but right now I don't even know where to start because I don't know what it is that's bothering me...I just feel empty inside...like something's missing.

maybe i'll go work out some more. at laest when I do that it helps take out my frustrations on something and i still feel like I have accomplished something beacuse if anything, i'll be in better shape. heh

haha nice. you guys should try this! :D


My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like A Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

i swear i am so stressed lately! I've been working out ever day and using my free weights to try and build muscle. I've been eating healthy and staying away from fast food and junk food. I've lost 2 dress sizes but now i'm starting to gain it back and nothing has changed about my diet except i'm working out more than I did. I don't get why this is happening. Maybe too many carbs or something? I really wanna shed these pounds!

Now, i'm just getting depressed because jason hasn't seen a change in me even tho i had to buy new clothes cuz mine were getting too lose. He says i've gained weight since I met him ( when i hadn't) and now he's saying that I obviosly don't wanna lose weight and that if I did I'd just stop eating all together. Why would he say this? Doing that is so unhealthy for you and you can actuially gain weight back faster after fasting for so long (or so i've been told).That is just so rude! Then when i get upset he says why am i being such a bitch? and that i'm an immature child. He's making me feel like i'm ugly or something. I'm really wanting to make this work cuz i do care about him but i'm just feeling like he doesn't have any respect for me lately. He is always bringing me down and saying hurtful things and i wish he would see how much he hurts me sometimes but I just don't think he does.

*sigh* I don't know what to do to make him happy anymore! I hate feeling this way!! :(

proof that there is life on other planets! the face to me looks like the the headdress of an egptian king and the face of the greys. They had us up there long ago building the pyramids and worshiping their "god"...the aliens. Think sbout it. it was the aliens that had built the pyramids..